heeding my own advice

so i've been trying out this new four letter d word
yeah - a diet.
shut up.

and basically i have 2 things working against me
my lack of willpower
and my refusal to weigh or measure anything.
so muddling my way through this diet by eyeballing and estimating portions, i'm probably being completely counterproductive, as well as giving altogether too much fodder for d to get bothered with me, since she is my tracking system and constantly reminds me that she can't track 'a handful of blue chips and a chunk of salsa' or 'almost a whole bowl but not quite full with enough milk to cover the cereal and about a third of a banana.'

point being, i need to measure.
other point being, this diet is supposed to help me to recognize what a normal portion is, which i have some difficulty with, because if something is yummy, i want to eat all of it, until it's gone (clean your plate syndrome [thanks mom]) and then some kind of weird psychological survival instinct kicks in that makes my brain feel the need to stock up on food, as if i won't get any for the next year.

this seems to happen especially in traditional italian restaurants and at family bbqs.

so tonight i ate:

1 sesame tamari rice cake
5 pieces of italian bread with butter
3 breadsticks
5 baked stuffed clams
1/2 stuffed artichoke
2 mussels marinara
1.5 chunk burnt garlic chicken
1 bowl rigatoni with shrimp and white sauce loaded with parmesean cheese
1 strand broccoli rabe
2 fried zucchini
4 tartufo, which is an ice cream cake, vanilla on the bottom, chocolate on top, marachino cherry in the middle with crushed almonds separating the flavors, covered in a hard chocolate shell, then cut into 8s. so i ate half a tartufo.
2 bites italian cheesecake, which is made with ricotta cheese
3 pieces watermelon
1 piece honeydew
1 cappucino
2 bites chocolate puddin


i've spent the better part of the evening trying to make my body break this mess down. the sounds i'm emitting are surprising me and scaring the cat.

we can safely say i lost control tonight.

back to celery stalks and seltzer tomorrow.

xo

celebrity spotting!

omgosh. i'm the worst type of fan - maybe.

extreme staring, altering my path to be closer, leftover stalker habits, the list goes on.

anyway

this very morning, in prospect park, while on a 7 mile ride with my beloved

we saw

julie goldman!


serious! in a tank and sweats, workin it around the walking road.

we pulled over to enjoy the pond for a little bit (so i could wait for her to pass)

but she didn't.

the pond was lovely.
the black duck was lovely.

where was julie?

JULIE!





lovely black duck



patiently waiting for julie

nice dates and other things

italian open room
hefe with an orange
olives spinach pesto
chocolate bread pudding
shy glances grinned
check out the cool bathroom
smells like cloves
felt like a first date

meandering down the avenue
posted lost kitties and friendly dogs
bulknight gems retrieved
razor scooter uphill union
forget the rules on 13th
i stole a kiss under the streetlamp

more of these would be good.

drunkdial

i gave up many of the vices we all lay claim to at some point or another
cut out the high school stalker style and traded up for a more living/breathing experience.
cut out the coffee 2 years ago, the cigs about 5, and the boozing about 1.
all of these cuts are fluid, of course.

saving one vice, which until tonight was not thought of as a vice, but must be, now that i consider dropping it, but probably won't -

the magic of overextended awakeness through the onset of ambien.

if only life were as trippy and simple and ADD clarity driven as when we are all hopped up on this magical sleep aid.

and i pine for the day they go generic, so i no longer have to shell out 40 bucks for a months supply.

goodweebles
goodnight

metablog

i've spent the past few weeks lurking on a number of blogs i've sought out and others that i stumbled across.
the deeper i delve into this web 2.0 experience the more i learn about the online subculture and multitudinous varieties of subcultures listed within.
it gives me a sense of commitment phobia.
in everything i do, i always find my faults. and so my fault in blogging is that i don't have a niche. i don't have a distinct supra-culture that drives people here to read.
i'm just going on about my tiny little world.

i am learning that there is a sense of anonymity that seems impenetrable.
this appears to add to the safety and secrecy of the internet.

i'm left wondering so many things.
do bloggers out there make their sites public to their friends?
do bloggers keep their sites secret and deal with unexpected encounters as they come?
how much do we reveal?
how much is fiction?
where is the line drawn between i know you and i don't?

maybe i'm over-analyzing.
wouldn't be the first time.

just another fault.

bbg

i forgot to mention my trip to the botanic garden on saturday

haven't been there since i was a wee tot on a cheese bus

some pix:

please new job; kthxbai

it is getting serious now

the headache sets in by 8:10am

by 9 i remembered that i want to carry a notebook with me to record all the travesties of the day

the first floor unisex bathroom is broken

there is no soap in the dispensers on the 2nd floor

someone knocked the tp to the floor and stepped on it, rolled it around in the wet pee puddle and left it there

a garbage can has been tipped over in the hallway

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you is scribbled endlessly in the stairwells

the principal doesn't reply to my emails

the math coach stalks me - there is nowhere to hide

the 7th graders show up where the 6th graders are and won't leave

the kindergarteners run through the hallway and don't stop when i say stop running

i can't bloody teach a thing because nobody will shut up and listen

i can't even post instructions because they won't bloody read them

a fight breaks out in my classroom and nobody is available to help break it up

it goes on for 10 minutes before security shows up

the two girls are back in school the very next day as if it never happened

i'm told i can't attend a meeting to learn about new software which will benefit the school for years to come

i eat my lunch in the hallway because classes are constantly in my room

there are candy wrappers left on my floors even though i have a no eating room

i complain endlessly and try to make the system work but there is no system and it doesn't work.

i send out 20 resumes and hear back from no one.

more to come.

fbing

i despise facebook.
from the logging in process to the lavender and white layout to the updates to the applications
i hate facebook.
i'm on my second round with it, after disabling or deactivating as they call it for a few months
i'll take it down again soon. i think i wanted to see what all the hype is.

here it is, the hype:

even moreso than friendster or myspace, or even linkedin or any of the others, fb is the ultimate popularity weapon. i've watched people accumulate friends exponentially on there, faster than i've seen anywhere else. maybe this triggers some awful remnants resembling high school. maybe i just want to take my round pizza wheel and throw it at someone, and watch the cold, greasy middle stick to them as the coagulated sauce drips down their chin. maybe i'm the one with the problem. maybe not having been popular in high school really did a number on me. or maybe, i just don't give a crap what everyone is up to. do i care that you're married? or you're engaged? does it impact me that you have a toddler and another on the way? does your life make me jealous, do i crave what you have? no. i don't. and i don't need to see you showing up in my 'people you might want to befriend' list. no, i don't want to befriend you.

ugg.

i'm angry at myself for even blogging this.

au revoir, facebook. i'll be over here, getting my arms tickled for free.

<3

cough; cough; cough...

the voice came back, friday evening
followed by some stringey green stuff that made its way out of my throat.

i've spent the past 5 days hacking away
in and out of school
and just this morning woke up to crusted-over eyes that once washed,
were completely bloodshot and scary.

off to the doctor with me.
it wasn't pinkeye, which would have made more sense
but somehow this virus i have made its way into my eyes.
and so i'm out till monday and washing them with warm water.

meanwhile, i feel like the most disgusting mess ever
children flee when i pass and my own cat won't come near me.

my days are filled with research on solutions for post nasal drip, hacking dry cough, expectorants, and viral infections.

right now every time i lie down about every 20 seconds i get an insane itch in the back of my throat.

this virus is kicking my ass.

i'd like a replacement immune system please.

/bitching

reduced to a whisper

my doctor says if the laryngitis happens again , making a 3rd time, i'll have to see an ear/nose/throat specialist.

he was by far the nicest doctor i've seen since moving to brooklyn.

being voiceless is always eye-opening. at least, it has been in my now two times of experience. you have to find the shortest way to say something. you have to wait until it's quiet to speak, especially in public places. people quiet down for you, though i have yet to test this theory out with my students and somehow i doubt they'll quiet down for me.

which reminds me, i had to confiscate a 6th grader's PSP on wednesday. she left the thing playing music on a desk in the lab, and so i took it. they don't belong in school, i'd already asked her to turn it off and put it away and she didn't, so i snagged it. later, she threw pencil shavings and my classroom pass (a defunct wireless router) on the floor and shouted at me. while i'm not intimidated by 6th grade girls, i didn't like how close she was standing to me and i didn't like her tone. i decided to hang on to this coveted psp. at the end of the school day she came to my room to pick up the psp and again yelled and shouted at me. i contacted my AP and he took the thing away to deal with. my classroom door was vandalized, the world BITCH scrawled in purple lettering with a yellow border. a lovely end to a lovely day.

then i lost my voice.

monday will be fun if it doesn't return.

all bunny

i went to our state's capital today

on a cute omega bus

with a bunch of other teachers, many of them chapter leaders from brooklyn.

to my non-teacher readers, a chapter leader is your school's UFT rep.

the UFT is the united federation of teachers, or the NYC teacher's union.

we're a unionized bunch, which in many ways works for us, but in many ways keeps us down.

what other professions are unionized?

steelworkers, miners, teamsters, truckers, firefighters, police, transit workers, painters, etc.

what professions are un-unionized?

doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers, bankers, etc.

notice trends?

teachers have trouble breaking the 'professional' barrier and some say the union is to blame.

but in a profession where there is no standard cookie-cutter product, the union helps out a lot.

we pay them a little under $80 a month

they give us dental insurance, a free pair of glasses every two years, and the security that if something goes wrong on the job, they'll back us up.

they're on our side with just about anything just short of child abuse. they even back you up when the child abuses you. which happens - frequently.

so i went to our state capital today to lobby our legislators to keep their promises not to cut funding, to help improve class size by mandating it be made smaller, to keep a functioning SAVE room in all schools, to continue developing a technical program in addition to standard high schools, and to give special ed kids the supports they are mandated.

it was an interesting time to be in albany, due to all of the spitzer bru ha ha going on, in fact there was a joint session of the senate and the general assembly. spitzey was nowhere to be seen. i'm sure he's groveling to his wife right about now.

that's where i'd be anyway. not that i'd ever have to. cuz i wouldn't do it. but if i did, i would hope i wouldn't be forced to resign from my job for it.

yeah, i guess i'm all for the decriminalization and legalization of prostitution.

recession? what recession? we all have to make a living somehow.

who are you to judge?

need host monkey

i'm seeking a web designer and hosting service.

if you know of one, send them my way.

kthxbai

w

big days, big days

i once made a promise to myself that i wouldn't cohabitate unless there was a ring on my finger to make it real. and now there is. and i am. no, i'm not engaged - whatever that means. with over 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the only reason to do it is for the tax benefits. and i'm not even sure i need those, as my baby did my taxes and did them beautifully. and i'm happy, and she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and talented, and sexy, so thanks for all that.

but here i am, 3 weeks after the move, feeling pretty groovy. got a nice place, got it mostly settled in, trying to keep it neat. cable should be coming tomorrow morning so no more ganking on the neighbors' signals, and maybe i'll be back a little more consistently.

so i just noticed today that my little sister (my only sister) commented on the post about her a few posts down. this was pretty momentous to me, especially finding it after it had been left there for us about 2 weeks after the post went up. since i've been offline, i didn't even know it was there. why do the big events always happen on fridays????

so i apologize for airing my dirty laundry here, for all the internet to see. i feel like my blog is all mucketey mucked up now that that's out. maybe i'll be starting over somewhere else. maybe not. i have a short story coming soon. it's about a decade in the making, receiving a little facelift right now.

stay tuned to an apple a day, where the drama never ends.

xoxox
w

hard work

moving is

ok i'm lame.
because i started that post below and didn't follow through. i'm cooking it though. stay tuned.

my apartment looks like it was raided by wookie thieves, jack is in constant turmoil, and i have the biggest bag of pre-move paper recycling ever to haul downstairs. three days and this will be over - all but for the cleanup. and the new paintjob looks nice. if you're needing a local painter with good prices i have one.

xoxo

corporate peace; aka doin' it for others what we can't do for ourselves

i promised myself a rant but i'm edging on tired right now and might not be able to thoughtfully complete this until a later date.

today i realized that a friend of mine is going to africa for the next 2 years to work, live, and help. it's not entirely clear what her role there will be, but she'll be in an impoverished village where electricity and running water will be scarce, and she's stocked up on hot showers in the days before leaving. more than likely she'll somehow devote most of her time to aids work - educating, care giving, spreading information, etc. i'm not entirely sure how the programs work, but i know from the peace corp website that in this part of africa, that's what they do there. other parts of the world are different.

knowing that over 70% of cases of aids in the world are in sub-saharan africa, it would seem they need as much help as they can get because clearly, something is not going right. the little that i know about the situation in the area is this: the us is providing minimal funding to help, and many cases are mis-diagnosed or undiagnosed due to lack of medical equipment.

all of this us sending peace workers to africa got me thinking about the other countries we're helping out. and after checking out a map, it would seem the countries we're helping are aplenty. thailand, the philipines, indonesia, china, the ukraine, the entire former soviet union, jordan, morocco, much of sub-saharan africa including south africa, sri lanka, much of south america, and the list goes on.

i know we have this big brother motif here in the states, and i know we have the audacity to think we're still the top of the planetary food chain in every aspect imaginable. but when i go to look at the facts, we find the us down at the bottom in so many areas, especially education. and when you really start digging for information you'll find that basically our education system is so flawed, that our kids are turning out dumb. embarrassing then, that we're sending them to help in countries that are actually showing to be smarter than we are.

i'll pull some facts together for us in my next post. i've got to get to sleep right now. my big american brain hurts from thinking too hard.

my kid sister voted for romney

it's true.

and the only solace i take in knowing that is knowing that he dropped out today.

frequently i find myself angered and wondering how this little drooling girl could have turned into a liberal-hating, ultra right-wing, neo-con.

we were raised by the same parents, in the same house, in the same era. we're only 3 years apart, mom and dad both working for the public schools, always preaching the importance of family, the environment, and diversity. also frugality, the high cost of living, the unfairness of taxes, and the importance of being middle class. i mean hell, mom made that dress she's wearing, pattern of white splotchy hand prints, and a pillow to match. she just got rid of the pillow before they sold their house and moved.

her monotoned rhetoric disappoints me. her lack of ability to speak her convictions shames me. her misunderstanding of who her family was and is, her inability to look at where she came from, her notions that her beliefs - no matter the persuasion, do not need affirmation, flusters me.

where did my sister go, and who grew this beast in her place? how is it possible that two children of the same tree could grow in such opposite directions?

i listen to her choices and know my entire life disappoints her.

only her views, or lack of them, disappoint me.

i miss my drooling baby sister, the innocent, the pure one, the one who never would have cared if illegal immigrants jumped over a fence to threaten american jobs, or teenagers got abortions to threaten american morality.

i don't know when the maladies of others got in the way for her.

i don't know why she cares so little, so much.

GET UP AND VOTE!

blah blah blah - civic responsibility
blah blah blah - voice counts

but srsly, you can't complain if you don't vote.

interestingly enough, my boy kucinich is still on the ballot.

it's a wonderful thing to have the right to vote and the more i hear about my candidate, the more i know i made the right choice.

it's glaringly obvious we need change and whether it can be brought from the government or from somewhere else isn't for me to say.

i'd like to think i'm part of something slightly bigger on a day like today.

now log off and get to your local polling place.

super 2sday

i think i'll take tomorrow off too.

a sick girl needs to take her time

deliberating the candidates

and stuff.

farm seeking

i've decided
though not completely committed
to volunteering on a farm this summer.

i can see myself picking or planting or weeding
harvesting or digging or raking
doing whatever that farm needs me to do.

i want to see little things grow.
if you know of a farm, tell me about it.

micromanaged

my boss is a heartless

evil minded

cold

overweight

unhappy

person.

who believes it is unconventional that she is my boss anyway.

jeez.