blacking out the friction

i'm settling into this groove, alternating nights fighting this awakedness.

and so it goes.

and i certainly hope it subsides by the end of the month, when my body will require a more consistent sleeping schedule.

the drawback to being a teacher - lack of a yearly sleep pattern.

since i began teaching, summer has been my experiment, 04 brought a return to family and the beach, 05 found me relapsing into old emotional shit, and eventually in black rock city of all places, 06 was the summer of secretly lusting after d while she pretended not to lust after me, 07 saw a mental breakdown, and now 08 is my own early renaissance. i'm starting to feel like myself again, and i recognize this person who stays up late into the night and morning, and i like her.

a few days ago eddie and i had a brief trip to the end of valentino pier where a small, darkened, triple masted schooner sailed silently by me. i watched for a few seconds, appreciating its simplicity and darkness on the water before the pirate urge began its tickle. a number of years ago i was making preparations to learn the art of sailing by doing. i planned to board a vessel and not get off until i could sail it. i wanted to be a crew member, a deckhand, a part of something that left little to nothing in its wake. i wanted to flee.

for as long as i can remember, when life gets unbearable, i prepare to flee.

"i think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective. "

i envy people who are able to spend the majority of their headspace in the present. i've never been a live for the moment person, more like a harp on the past or agonize over the future type. how many times have i wished i could just jump 3 months, 1 year, 10 years into the future just to catch a glimpse of where i might end up.

the reality is that i'm not surprised, i'm not disappointed, i'm just thankful to be where i am. i like my little corner of brooklyn. i love my life with d. i love having a dog. i like teaching and working with technology. i'm glad to have these things to enjoy. it makes me feel like all those years of expecting the worst but hoping for the best might not have been the worst philosophy.

leo asked me if my queer identity might have anything to do with my teens being so disgustingly difficult, and vice versa. if it did, i wasn't yet aware. i knew i valued the closeness i could feel with girls way more than what i could have with boys. but i also knew i was expected to be interested in boys, and obliged that expectation. i banked on the assumption that i just hadn't found a good guy yet. i generalized that all guys were assholes, stupid, only interested in sex, drugs, and video games. in high school i had a definite type of guy i was interested in. long hair, delicate features, rail thin, offbeat characters. think dave pirner or a very young robert plant. boys who looked like girls. but i wasn't thinking about it that way back then. i just knew what i liked. which probably led me to identify as bi for so long in college. i felt i was trying out different boys. seeking that connection that never came. it wasn't until i fell in love with my best friend that i put it together, girls were what made sense for me. and still, i continued to act promiscuously with boys, because it was just so fucking hard to meet girls. my dating strategies left a lot to be desired.

i met d after i'd been completely single for 6 years. my last hetero relationship had fallen apart, my entire life needed rebuilding, and i'd spent those 6 years reinstituting me. 6 years is a long time. i had been on the verge of giving up. something in her sparkled and challenged me. something in her tugged at me and i couldn't ignore it. she asked me to have a date with her and i declined. two months later i made my move. it was the smartest one i made in years.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I don't know you that well... but it is so clear (to me) that you are v. happy/comfortable with you but are still finding the challenge in life that makes it worth all bullshit of the past and where we came from.

I wish I were more eloquent, but hopefully you get the gist.