i get some culture

every now and again i go and see a performance.

it's usually not the type of performance my parents would deem 'marvelous' 'spectacular' or 'a must see.' but sometimes i drag them along, hoping that they'll jump on my little outsider bandwagon and wake up and smell the nonsense.

last sunday, and again yesterday, i went to see circus amok, a self described fearless, funky, funny fundamentally subversive political circus. i completely get off on these types of things, free shows in the park, completely queer, completely smart, completely home-spun, not to mention created by the awesomely magical jennifer miller, another secret crush of mine.

my pictures, taken from several human-rows back at the prospect park performance last friday do not at all do the show justice. i would say that the sunset park performance was much better, drawing a much less yuppified, much more diverse crowd (read, hispanic families, artsy folks, and a whole slew of queer couples). my my, i love this type of thing. it reminds me of burningman, but with a point.

in the sleepy west of the wooded east

monday, while a thunder cell loomed over the east river making the sky look like something out of armageddon, d and i hauled some essentials, plus eddie, plus crate, out to my recently repaired 9 year old jeep and headed north.

4 hours later, we arrived in northampton, a trip which d claims she's done in 2.5, but i've never done in under 3, so i think she's mistaken. we checked into our hotel and headed directly into town. cha cha cha had turned into a bueno y sanyo, a burrito not to be missed, so i left d and eddie on a bench and went in to order.

when i came out of the burrito shop, d informed me that she'd just run into a person she'd formerly dated, person being the word which threw me for a loop. d dated t briefly, several years back, not exclusively, not seriously, but i'd heard her name mentioned enough times to make me curious. and so, now t is male-identified, though t made no verbal mention of a transition to d during their run in, d felt that the display of facial hair and deepened voice was enough evidence to identify t as male-identified. and after d's initial shock subsided, and she was able to tell me how she could barely speak to t and kept gesturing towards the burrito shop, saying my girlfriend, as if i was, an actual burrito shop, and after my initial shock of jealousy wore off and i was able to ask if he looked hot, and what he's doing here now, and what his girlfriend is studying, and how she identifies herself, and all the rest of the questions i wonder about when in such close proximity to someone trans. i don't know why i'm so enamored with trans folks, the courage, the commitment to identity, the breaking of traditional roles, all of the above. it's an obsession i've always had, a curiosity, an enchantment. it's stuff for another post.

we spent tuesday morning and afternoon hiking the small trail through puffer's pond and a teensy weensy portion of the 35 mile robert frost trail. my good pal and photoblogger, pattyb, inspired me to take some pics of some of the lovely fungi that was in bloom. does fungi bloom?












yes, it appears that fungi do bloom.

we spent the rest of the trip eating delicious things, sandwiches from the black sheep, amazing foccacia grilled cheese and cuban rice/bean/banana dishes from the haymarket, ice cream from herrells. d loved faces and essentials, the wool store and the dog treat shop i lived above. i loved the reminiscing, i love not living there anymore, i love the fresh smell and odd sounds at night, i love the friendly eyes you see from strangers just walking down the block, definitely exaggerated when you have a dog. and eddie, he did pretty well there. enjoyed himself mostly.

blacking out the friction

i'm settling into this groove, alternating nights fighting this awakedness.

and so it goes.

and i certainly hope it subsides by the end of the month, when my body will require a more consistent sleeping schedule.

the drawback to being a teacher - lack of a yearly sleep pattern.

since i began teaching, summer has been my experiment, 04 brought a return to family and the beach, 05 found me relapsing into old emotional shit, and eventually in black rock city of all places, 06 was the summer of secretly lusting after d while she pretended not to lust after me, 07 saw a mental breakdown, and now 08 is my own early renaissance. i'm starting to feel like myself again, and i recognize this person who stays up late into the night and morning, and i like her.

a few days ago eddie and i had a brief trip to the end of valentino pier where a small, darkened, triple masted schooner sailed silently by me. i watched for a few seconds, appreciating its simplicity and darkness on the water before the pirate urge began its tickle. a number of years ago i was making preparations to learn the art of sailing by doing. i planned to board a vessel and not get off until i could sail it. i wanted to be a crew member, a deckhand, a part of something that left little to nothing in its wake. i wanted to flee.

for as long as i can remember, when life gets unbearable, i prepare to flee.

"i think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective. "

i envy people who are able to spend the majority of their headspace in the present. i've never been a live for the moment person, more like a harp on the past or agonize over the future type. how many times have i wished i could just jump 3 months, 1 year, 10 years into the future just to catch a glimpse of where i might end up.

the reality is that i'm not surprised, i'm not disappointed, i'm just thankful to be where i am. i like my little corner of brooklyn. i love my life with d. i love having a dog. i like teaching and working with technology. i'm glad to have these things to enjoy. it makes me feel like all those years of expecting the worst but hoping for the best might not have been the worst philosophy.


leo asked me if my queer identity might have anything to do with my teens being so disgustingly difficult, and vice versa. if it did, i wasn't yet aware. i knew i valued the closeness i could feel with girls way more than what i could have with boys. but i also knew i was expected to be interested in boys, and obliged that expectation. i banked on the assumption that i just hadn't found a good guy yet. i generalized that all guys were assholes, stupid, only interested in sex, drugs, and video games. in high school i had a definite type of guy i was interested in. long hair, delicate features, rail thin, offbeat characters. think dave pirner or a very young robert plant. boys who looked like girls. but i wasn't thinking about it that way back then. i just knew what i liked. which probably led me to identify as bi for so long in college. i felt i was trying out different boys. seeking that connection that never came. it wasn't until i fell in love with my best friend that i put it together, girls were what made sense for me. and still, i continued to act promiscuously with boys, because it was just so fucking hard to meet girls. my dating strategies left a lot to be desired.

i met d after i'd been completely single for 6 years. my last hetero relationship had fallen apart, my entire life needed rebuilding, and i'd spent those 6 years reinstituting me. 6 years is a long time. i had been on the verge of giving up. something in her sparkled and challenged me. something in her tugged at me and i couldn't ignore it. she asked me to have a date with her and i declined. two months later i made my move. it was the smartest one i made in years.

cha-cha-changes

as flip flop season begins, flip flop mindset sets in.

everything is up for negotiation.

in no special order, this week's list of news, changes, and updates:

1. we are getting a dog. tomorrow. eddie is 3, he's a rescue pup who has been living at sean casey's animal rescue shelter since may. he was found on the street in queens and brought to animal control who initially labeled him 'aggressive' and named him frisbee, not necessarily in that order. but if my name was frisbee, i too would find reason to be aggressive. sean casey took him in, and when his vet (who'll become our vet) checked frisbee out, he found that frisbee had pneumonia. he was treated, chipped, neutered, and cleaned up, and is now a happy little guy, who i can't wait to bring home. we decided to call him eddie, short for edison, and his middle name is magellan because i like it. each time i look at him i wish he could tell me his story. we've gone to visit him every day since meeting him last tuesday. he's learned to sit really quickly, and next we're going to work on some other commands. on our first walk to the park today, we met a woman named zinulia (or something like that) and her manchester, reggie. sean casey has frisbee/eddie labeled as chihuahua/manchester mix on his site, but after meeting reggie, i don't think eddie is manchester at all. apparently you can pay $200 and send a nail clipping to some type of doggie dna which will provide you a printout of your dog's exact dna specifics. no thanks.

2. tomorrow is the last day of the 2007-2008 school year. YIPfuckingIEE! i can't believe how fast and slow this year went by. it's been a year of change - that much is certain.

3. i still have not heard back from the lovely school in my neighborhood about whether i will be able to have full time employment in september. the p wrote me an email basically stating, 'i want you, i need you, i fear i'm going to lose you to another school, just give me another day to work this out.' it's been 3. and now i know how those boys felt in high school when i wasn't sure i was interested, but wasn't ready to formally decline their advances. dicked around. yeah - that's how i feel.

4. i'm attending my first nyc dykemarch on saturday. d has no mind for this type of stuff, she got all her pride partying out when she was 19, so i'm working on being ok doing these things with friends. i'll be on the lookout for leo maccool who will be back on this side of the pond for a while.

5. it's time to ditch my jeep. don't get me wrong, i love my jeep. i just can't justify spending $75 to fill up, and then only make it about 150 miles before having to do so again. my gas milege is wack, the thing is only getting harder and harder to sell. and my sense of eco-pride is stomped every time i pass a gas station or see another notch gone down my fuel gauge. it's time to put an end to the madness. i'm looking at a 07 yaris or a late model civic. they're both in high demand and tough to find. car dealerships suck. i'm counting on summertime perseverance and a bit of help from dad (to rattle the sellers) to make this happen. i'm scared of driving a small car but i think the cost benefit speaks for itself.

pix of eddie to come...

freakshow

we attended a performance in the east village on saturday night.

a rare occurrence, d and i heading into the city - ever, never mind after 9 on a saturday night

but this promised to be good.

"queerlesque"

i'm not one to judge a show by its name, but how could you go wrong?

well.

a drag inspired, trans-heavy, big girl burlesque was what we got.

each performance a little odder than the last.

we really enjoyed darlinda, la jon, vic, and fancy chance.

we were a little scared by the rest.

i kind of felt like i was watching some type of therapy performance unfold.

questions i've pined over for a while were answered.

i was left wishing i'd never asked.

all that said, i'd go back and see it again.

celebrity spotting!

omgosh. i'm the worst type of fan - maybe.

extreme staring, altering my path to be closer, leftover stalker habits, the list goes on.

anyway

this very morning, in prospect park, while on a 7 mile ride with my beloved

we saw

julie goldman!


serious! in a tank and sweats, workin it around the walking road.

we pulled over to enjoy the pond for a little bit (so i could wait for her to pass)

but she didn't.

the pond was lovely.
the black duck was lovely.

where was julie?

JULIE!





lovely black duck



patiently waiting for julie